Ask Yourself several critical questions to ensure you are fully prepared for the responsibilities and emotional challenges ahead.
These questions will reflect on your real motivations for adopting:
Is this truly in the child’s best interest, a knee-jerk reaction to recover from a major disappointment, an attempt to fill a void, or “fix” a personal sense of unfulfillment? Couples need to understand their own emotional state and acknowledge how their unresolved pain and anger could potentially be projected onto the child, affecting the bonding process. They must also consider the profound impact adoption has on the child, who is forced into this arrangement without consent, losing their lineage, clan, and heritage in the process. This self-awareness and honest evaluation are crucial in determining whether they are ready to provide the stable, loving environment an adopted child needs.
Deciding to adopt is a profound decision that requires deep self-reflection and honesty. Here are 10 self-critical questions couples should ask themselves before proceeding with adoption, focusing on various themes that highlight why adoption may not be the answer for everyone:
- Am I Trying to Fill a Void? Are we considering adoption to fill a personal void or an unmet desire? Ask yourself what void you need to be filled and if it is fair to ask a child to fill it.
- Am I Motivated by Selfish Needs?
Are our motivations for adopting more about satisfying our wants rather than prioritizing the child’s best interests? It’s essential to put the child’s needs above your own. - Is This Truly a Last Resort?
Have we exhausted all other options and thoroughly considered the implications of adoption as a last resort? Adoption is a lifelong commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. - Am I Adopting Because My Spouse Wants To?
Are we both equally committed to adopting, or am I doing this primarily because my partner wants to? Unequal commitment can lead to significant issues down the line. - Have I Fully Processed My Grief?
Have we adequately dealt with our grief and loss, especially if we are grieving infertility or the loss of a biological child? Unresolved grief can hinder our ability to bond with the adopted child. - Am I Holding on to Anger?
Are we harboring any anger or resentment, and how might these feelings be projected onto the child? Entering the adoption process with a clear and positive mindset is important. - Do I Think Adoption Will Fix My Issues?
Are we expecting adoption to solve our personal or marital problems? Adoption should not be viewed as a solution to fix existing issues within ourselves or our relationship. Expectations often lead to disappointments. - Am I Ready for Long-Term Commitment with a child?
Are we prepared for the lifelong commitment and potential challenges that come with raising an adopted child? Understanding the long-term responsibilities is crucial. What if you don’t like the child you are matched with or the child grows up not liking you? How will you handle that situation? Be cautious that sometimes seeing the child you adopted can trigger constant reminders of not being able to have a biological child. - Do I Understand the Child’s Loss?
Do we fully grasp the magnitude of what the adopted child is losing—their lineage, clan, and heritage—and are we prepared to help them navigate this loss? Acknowledging and respecting the child’s background is essential. - Are We Willing to Seek Counseling?
Are we open to seeking counseling and support during the adoption process and beyond? Professional guidance can be invaluable in addressing emotional and relational challenges. - Is This Really in the Best Interest of the Child, or is Adoption a Knee-jerk Reaction?
Are we considering adoption because it is genuinely in the best interest of the child, or are we driven by a knee-jerk reaction to fulfill our own wants and desires? The child’s well-being should be the foremost priority. Is the child forced into an adoption contract s/he does not want to be in? - Is This Separating a Family That Could Have Stayed Together?
Are we aware of the circumstances surrounding the child’s current situation, and could the child have stayed with their biological family if given the right support? It’s crucial to ensure that adoption is the best and necessary option for the child’s future.
By honestly answering these questions, couples can better understand their motivations and emotional readiness for adoption, ensuring that their decision is truly in the best interest of the child and not a means to address personal or relational issues.
